I am my own worst enemy. I torture myself.
Two 5 page papers, and a presentation are due in exactly 10 days.

Have I started either? Well, actually, I did start writing the introduction to my research paper :/

I also need to get on the same page with my Psych partners for the project that will be due December 1st.
I cannot wait till this is all over. It will be the best moment of my life when I show up for finals. Ahhhh D:


Oh college life, you have taught me that I do not need to put an A effort into things for an A.
My stress level is also very high.

Thank you college :l

3 months. Wow.
I never used to let it get this bad...maybe it's because I don't have anything to say, or maybe I have too much to say?

College life is...very disciplined. I wonder how I'm surviving, and then I realize it's because I have nothing better to do than homework. Studying is really the only activity I am currently involved in. All my friends went away to college, and I am here alone. It's strange because I feel like there is no place for me currently. Society wants me to close myself in a dorm with my own kind for 4 years, but I haven't chosen that path, so here I sit...not young enough to be here and not old enough to be there. I float in obscurity.

Life is pretty good though. Many things happened over the summer. Good things, bad things, fun things, and weird things. For the most part, I am content with the overall of my life. I am worried about what the future holds for some parts, but I can't lose sleep over it, especially when it's so far away, so I will wait. I will be strong, and I will do the task before me, and I will wait for anything else. :)

Oh yes, and Paramore on the 19th!

It's all breaking down.
The things I am feeling right now, I don't think I can explain.

I was fine till about an hour ago. I was completely at peace with the whole situation, but now I am anxious, nervous, sad. I am so confused because I was excited about tonight because a good thing will be happening tonight, but it almost seems like if I do have a nice time tonight...I am almost celebrating the demise of a friendship. It's so morbid that I feel sick.

I am stuck between forgiveness and a door mat. I can't let this happen anymore! I can't continue pretending nothing is wrong when I know the things she said about me and the way she thinks about my life, and family, and everyone I love. How could I go back to being normal when she hates everyone in my life, and completely sticks her nose up at my entire life.

It really hurt me. I am the first one to overlook offenses. I am strong enough to take it in stride because I know the truth. It's between me and God, but this time...I have never been so hurt in all my life. I was surprised by how much it hurt me. I didn't think it really did till I was crying and didn't know how to stop.
She was my friend. I've known her since I was 11, and she has the gall to request a friendship on HER terms after ripping my entire life apart and completely disrespecting my whole family and the life we have worked hard to create.

My parents worked damn hard to give me the education I have. I did my work. I AM smart, and just cause I am not going away to some...stupid friggin 30,000 dollar school. To treat me like I am less of a person for wanting a life that doesn't involve one-upping every single person I come in contact with...being content where GOD PLACES ME! To demean me like that that so casually. It hurts. I have worked so very hard trying to get to the place I am, I want to go places and I want to do things. For her to accuse me of being afraid of life, and saying I will never go anywhere or be anything, and therefore I hold everyone else back. I could eat people it makes me so angry. She wonders still why no one wants to be her friend. I can't take it.


I can't overlook it anymore. I can't just sweep it under the rug. I have nothing left to give.
Leave me alone. I can't face her...

So, I have found myself with less friends then when I began this year. I guess when school no longer binds us all together, then what does?

These passed few weeks have been great and amazing and also sad.
I am so tired of everything right now.

Sometimes I just want to sleep and read and just not go out into the world.

It's such a scary place.

Highschool is over. I mean, it might not be the same for me because I didn't have a building, or a place to shove my memories in, but I still feel...weird.

I went to the graduation ceremony at Falmouth High. All of my friends go there. They snuck me an old cap and gown so that I could wear it during pictures. Haaha I love them all so much, and I am going to miss them immensely this fall.

I am hoping that this summer everyone can just put aside the useless arguments and petty disagreements so that we can just use this time with each other.


It's over kids. . .

My laptop crashed. Only 6 months old...a wee tot. It died. I don't even know how it happened.
I shut it off on Sunday night and then yesterday morning when I turned it on there was the infamous blue screen.
The blue screen that says: FATAL SYSTEM ERROR. My computer is gone.

I have many options. I can try to reboot it from a CD my mom has, but hopefully that will not destroy everything I had on my hard drive. I could see if any of my hacker friends can fix it. I can call Dell, and ask them for help, if I can get any. I can call best buy because it's still under warranty--$220 worth of warranty.
I hate best buy though, and the geek squad. They are the most unhelpful, rude, con artists I have ever met, AND MY WARRANTY DOES NOT COVER RECOVERY! jgsadfiskjdfgksjdfksjf


Moving on...

I am almost done with school. Say what what what??? I cannot finish fast enough. I want it to be done. I want to go crash after prom. I want to go to the mall and watch movies. I want to go to the beach. I want my permit.
I want summer!

I also want a new job. I really can't take it, and it's making go crazy. I don't even care what I do. I will dig holes, just get me out of that friggin store. PLEASE.

Now it is time for my weather update because when you journal you must talk of trivial things like the weather. It's sunny, and a little breezy. It was warmer yesterday, but I think it's finally acting like May.

I feel ;isakhjsdauhjbfsadadsofhbialugfiaufiuagf today.
Too many things.

My life consists of pointless activities right now.
There is this cycle: eat, sleep, lounge around, and text.
How sad is that?
I wish I could say that I wish for different things, but I don't really.
I am perfectly happy with that, except on days like today when I can't seem to focus on a single important issue. Like my Econ test.

Don't take Economics kids, it hurts.

My room is a dump, but it's hard for me to try and fix it when I know we will be gutting it soon and re-doing it. That is my life though. I am at this stand-still because I can't do A until I do B but B can't be done because there are things hindering it like C and D. Uggggghhhhhhhh...

Friday I think I am going to my friend's band show. It will be nice to get out of the house, and then we are going to DQ because we always talk about going, and then we never do. Ever. I hope it's a nice time. I hope certain people don't ruin it, and make it all about them. I just want to eat ice cream with people I love. Can I ever do that? Can it ever just be about that?

Anatomy is kicking my butt. I had it down with the bones, and parts of the brain, but when they talk about the nervous systems, and neurons synapsing...my eyes fall right out of my head.

Ah, the sun is shining! The sky is blue, and it's graciously warm :)
Yesterday and most of this entire week has been damp and gray. It's really been doing a number on me.


Yesterday I went all the way down to Hyannis--Yes, all that way--to register for classes. I wasn't sure when I had to get all that done by because these people are not smart and really haven't sent me anything informative. Anyways, I went down there with this notion that some time in May I would be too late, and then all the good classes would be gone, so I met with an adviser, who was really nice and helpful, unlike every other faculty member at the school. Turns out though, I cannot register TILL May 26th, but it's not a big deal because she worked out all my classes and will basically slip me right in when the time comes. I also have to scedule a clep test because she said I could get out of Comp 1 :D


Okay, that was really boring. After that though we went all over Hyannis because, like I said, it's just sooo far away that when you are there you might as well get EVERYTHING else done. We went to a furniture place to look at stuff for my room, then Kmart, and barnes and noble. I love books. They smell so nice.
Then I had to rush home and grab a million different things for Detour, put on decent clothes, and head out because I was already late, and I take attendance every week. Yikes.


I actually slept last night though, not without assistance from my dear, old friend Advil PM. Jeeez, there is something wrong with me. My mind works in a thousand different directions and I can't get it to stop.

I should probably stop typing now. Maybe I should get some work done? Yeah, maybe.

I feel like I just came in from battle.
I did not sleep last night.
There were tears though.

Weeping may remain for the night, but rejoicing comes with the morning.


There are too many things swimming around in my head, and they are all so insignificant, but last night they were huge. I can't say why really--I just can't get over the fact that events this small can really rattle my life that much. I have poor faith. I have a crappy attitude. How big is my God?

Sometimes I feel like I am on the right path, and that everything is going great, and suddenly it shatters. Maybe, I am not learning anything and so this happens every time because I pretend I've got it all under control. I am feigning surrender.

I was told one of the nicest things I've ever heard last night. I was too scared to accept it though.
Maybe this is just a slump. I need to focus on what matters. I finished my paper, I've got to study for anatomy, I need to print up the events for the board, I actually NEED the events, I've got laundry everywhere, I need to study for an Econ quiz, and I need to calm down.

"Be still and know that I am God..."

I have major issues right now. Today. This second.
Okay, I am dramatic, but you know that feeling when suddenly everything small builds up and then all at once it just smacks you in the face? That is how today has been, and the beautiful weather is being ruined because of it. I've been struggling all day, trying not to let this get me, but it is...

It's ironic too because yesterday I really felt that I was happy and that everything was fine. I enjoy life. I do the stuff I have to do and it's just...LIFE! But today has proven to be my foe, and resentment is trying to rear it's ugly head, but I promise I will not have it!


My daddy made me feel better though. I love him.


Anyways, the weather is gorgeous. It was 80 on Sunday. It made me happy. I bought some $2 flip flops at walmart and did some shopping. I bought some things. It was a good time :)


"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:14

Sometimes I think it is impossible to avoid immaturity no matter how old you are.
I'd like to think that since I have never really been involved in that scene of high school that that would mean it will just pass over me--like the death angel--but I suppose this is not the first time I've thought wrong.

I have this kind of chant that I say when things get really...foolish. I just say, "I am going to college in the fall. I don't have time for this." In my head it works, but in real life it does not.
What am I saying? It doesn't get nay better. Oh well...



On to some weird yet kind of nice news.
I was kind of asked to prom by someone sort of. I've never been asked anywhere, so it felt nice for about 3 seconds, and then it didn't. Let me see, how can I say it? I was asked by a girl to go to prom with a guy because he was too chicken to ask me himself, so he wanted her to get an answer out of me so he would know whether to ask or not. I wasn't suppose to know that much though, she was just really bad at being sly. I felt bad though cause he's a friend of mine. She said I would crush him--I don't really see how this could crush him.


For 3 seconds though I thought, "Wow, it only took 18 years..." Haaha it left quickly.


Anyways, I have the sniffles guys. It's allergies, I'm sure, but it still kind of stinks. I sound like a frog, but if my allergies are acting up you know what that means? SPRING! Ah, I can't wait for the weather to catch up :)

Life is good.

My friends all hate each other. I am not exaggerating. There is apparently a war going on in their hearts.

I can't take it anymore. I tried to help, I tried to be neutral, I tried to ignore it, I tried being understanding, I tried silence, I tried speaking--I think I've tried everything that I, myself, could possibly do. It just gets worse. There is just a bunch of bitterness, and it's not going to get better till they start looking at themselves, and stop pointing fingers and just do what they SHOULD do about themselves.

It hurts me so much. I feel like I can't do anything. I feel stuck, like every time I am with one of them that I am in enemy territory and that I can't speak without thinking about what I am going to say lest I leak something dire that adds fire to the already blazing flames.

It's a pain now, and I said I would deal with it, but now I don't know if I can.
Maybe I will just go with Amanda and write my fan letters and live in a cave and admire Robert from afar and just sink into this fake world. Sounds like a plan no?


Works for me. I can't wait to see how this Thursday will play out. I might just die.

Friendly fire, people...

Wow, twice in one day? That hasn't happened since my gj days.
I just thought I would post again to apologize for my lazy grammar in the last post, the incorrect tenses, and poor sentence structure. I am usually not that bad, but I am usually lazy which is why I'd rather warn you of the English infractions rather than actually fix them.


Also, I facebook too much. (Facebook was just turned into a verb which is yet another fine on the English highway.) I believe it's a little out of hand, and I can't seem to settle the urge I feel to tell people all sorts of things--things I shouldn't tell them, or that is not mine to tell. Yikes, I've got a lot to work on.

Books. I need good books to read because I can feel my vocabulary dropping. My thoughts were much more ordered before I surrendered to the tv and other such nonsense.

Well, off to make dinner.
Please accept this as a peace offering to the wonderful English language, who I have so thoroughly rebelled against.

Easter :) I love Easter. I think I love it more than Christmas because at Christmas it's really easy to get caught up about yourself, like, "What am I getting?" "What do I get so and so?" We just focus on ourselves a lot more whereas, at Easter, you don't get anything. I mean if you are celebrating the real reason, then there isn't a Bunny who is creeping around leaving you biologically incorrect gifts, and it's not really a time where you sit and ask for stuff.

It's like, you are just remembering what happened, FOR YOU, and you just praise Him for it. He didn't have to give it, but He did. I love Easter. I really do.

There is this song by this worship/group people...they are called Lakewood. To be honest, I think they are the Joel Olsteen church, and he's a weirdo, but the music is good, so sometimes my mom uses some of their songs as ideas for the Christmas programs. Anyways, my mom loves Israel Houton, who is a songwriter and there is this Ester song called He Lives. It's beautiful. One of the verses says:
More than the man who heard, 'Hosanna!'
from the same who cried 'Crucify, the King!'
freely He gave as they demanded,
and still He's alive in me!

Not only are the words pretty, but the song itself, in a composition kind of way, is really great.
Alright, alright enough about songs. I will now tell you about my Easter.

Well it starts on, Saturday, I guess. Everyone except me and my younger brother were involved in the program this year, so they were all performing on Saturday night. I on the other hand, was working at the good old marshall's. It was crazy that day too. Yikes, I thought I was going to just cry. I had coworkers who were getting angry that the boss was expected them to actually DO their jobs, so it was kind of a stressful thing, all day. Then my friend Sammi came to pick me up. I bought a really cute summer skirt, and then we went to my house to grab my brother and decide what we would do with our night. We decided we would do some random shopping, but first we ate. Then we grabbed her sister and headed to the wonderful Walmart. They were doing Easter shopping for their younger siblings and cousins, so I went looking for weird things I always forget to buy like: eyeliner, stockings, and gum. I also remember it was my dad's birthday soon so I bought him some CD's and a card. Now that I think about it, I spent $80 at walmart...how is that possible? It was only one bag?

I have to check the receipt.


I got home around 9 and then Sam and Becca hung around for an hour. It was hilarious. Becca is crazy. Then I got everything I would need for Sunday ready and went to bed.
Got up at 6 which I hate being up early. I was really slow all morning too - couldn't get myself together.
Got everything I needed, and just as I was walking out the door, I stopped to grab my coat and put my shoes down (I was wearing my snow boots because it was freezing) and forgot them. Legit, forgot my shoes. I realized once we were at church and very passively my Dad kind of alluded to the fact that he wouldn't go back to get them. It was a good thing I had remembered my nursery clothes or I would have been in my Easter dress and snow boots. Hahah It was weird though, it kind of messed up my morning for a few minutes. I felt so angry that my house was about 7 minutes away and everyone thought that their things were more important. It was a really stupid thing too, but I let it go. It was just funny that I forgot my shoes. Haha

After church we had to make some stuff and then head of to the Lambrich household for Easter eating.
Everyone was there. Actually that's a lie. It was just everyone who is close to the family. It was good food, and Josh told me I looked like an Easter peep because I was wearing a yellow shirt and such. I tried to sleep in the living room because everyone who was in there was asleep, but it's hard for me to sleep in other people's living rooms. I think I nodded off for a few minutes, but then Dave's phone went off and it woke me up, and I couldn't get back to sleep, so I went to the kitchen and drank coffee and listened to the men talk about wood, and houses. Manly things. Haha

We were at their house till about 1am which always happens. It's them. We practically live there when we are there.

I am exhausted today though. I was going to Zumba with Liz later, but now I think I am going to make her mad and tell her I can't do it. Ahhh

I get to see if Jack will live tonight. I know he will. He always does.

I think I have let myself become dumber. It's my own fault, I know, but I still feel sad about the whole thing.

Where did my intelligence go? I think it snuck out the window along with my work ethic, (and apparently "snuck" is not a recognizable word.)

I have been having problems with my local community college. You see, I sent in my application about 2 weeks ago and I have not received anything back. Class scheduling opens April 27th, and they still don't seem to think I exist. I will write them an email now to ask if they have received it, and if not I will send in another application. These kind of problems seem to happen to me a lot, and they stress me out, like I won't be able to eat or sleep, so I get upset and tend to just shut off...I JUST WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE! Jeez.


I just sent them an email. I think they might hate me. I've sent them a few over a week, but not on the same topic. They'll think I am stupid which I already established I am.

Also, I have not read a good book since well I can't even remember. Last summer I read like a crazy woman. Now I find my days full of tv and facebook because I can't find anything more entertaining. I need books. Good books. I think I am going to barrow some Fitzgerald's from the Library. I like him :)

( And this is what snow camp looks like... )

Well, well, well. . .Hello my old friend.

There is much to tell, well, not much really, but stuff has happened that is important to me.
I arrived home from Snow camp on Sunday night. It was a good time. I am kind of sad that this was the first and last time I could go - I should've gone last year, but all the kiddies can have a good time for a few years now.
Can't be sad about what you can't change.

Anyways, back the the camp topic. It was too short. Friday night till Sunday night. The trip did not start off right either. It was actually really interesting - an eye opener - for me to see how you can let things control your attitude and your experience. You can let God have your moments or you can give Satan a foothold. It was really just very drastic. I fixed it though. I saw what happened when I was being selfish and I apologized and just did the right thing, no matter how much it pained me, and it DID work out fine. It still was a scare though, how something can be altered so quickly. I've gotta starting thinking before I do.

It was really warm here on cape all week, but of course on the day we left, it was 30 degrees and windy, which means in the mountains of NH it was FREEZING! My friend Sammi and I were actually worried there wouldn't really be snow. Haha I will have to show some pictures.

I also got to get to know a bunch of the kids from yg that I don't usually talk to. I mean, we were a fairly small group but we just hung out together all the time. They are all such cute people. Even the boys.
They are going to be good men someday :) It was just really nice to be around them all instead of just my immediate friends cause I can be kind of closed off sometimes. . .but not on this trip.

And I dunno if all my friends felt that way, but I know I did. And I love these kids and I think a very cool bond was formed and I am really not going to let it fade. I intend to do my part so we can love on each other and grow together, even if I have a short time here.

Also, I've been thinking about college and it freaks me out. I've decided, but I'm going to stick to it. The path I am on, and I won't get discouraged cause I can do all things through Christ. . .

I cut my hair. I will have to show you, she took a good 7 inches off. It feels nice, and I finally got layers!
Woo hoo for me! I think things will be different from now on. I am hoping. . .

Chuck Bass. I hate you.


Has anyone else seen those creepy mannequin commercials for old navy? They just get worse and worse!
I've been seriously scarred by old navy and have since thrown out every article I own from the store so as to save my mind from further trauma...Yeah...that was a bit dramatic right? Well, I felt it. Deep within me. Haha


Also I want the 4 yr old PC girl. I love her. She's adorable!


So I think I am getting my hair cut this week. Sometime, not sure yet, but I do want layers and stuff. Woo hoo!
That is probably the only thing I am looking forward to because I am working tomorrow and then I have a bunch to do before I leave for Camp Berrea on friday.

Gah work, I just remembered. I am not excited about work. Yuck - we'll see.


This was useless and kind of all over the place. I have no idea what I think anymore. Jeez.

I have a dentist appointment in a bit. I don't really care for the dentist.
They are not like doctors, who check your actual health - they just care about your mouth, and since I like to have a clean mouth I don't have teeth or mouth issues. Basically when I do go to the dentist I get that same thing: "Do you floss?" and of course I always answer: "Not as much as I should" and they say, yeah...well you know flossing is important. Here's a tooth brush. Everything looks good.

You would think that wouldn't be hard, but I don't know, I just don't like going.


I have major senioritis. At least, that is the excuse I am using because I was never one of those good students. I wouldn't study till my eyes fell out, and I would never lose sleep for schoolwork - I will push off projects to go to movies or have a weekend. I have good grades, I just don't have the best work ethic. So now that I am continuing on this path, I have the faux illness to blame: Senioritis. It makes me feel not so lazy because everyone has it.


My room is getting another make over. It's been pretty much the same for about 5 years...which is fine except I don't want to see the yellow anymore. I asked my mom if I could have a new room for when Liana leaves, and being the home decorating fiend that she is, she said yes. In fact, I've already bought the new comforter set she insisted on, and she has bought pretty much all the little knickknacks and decorations for the room that is yet to exist. I don't mind though - she's happy about. I'm just happy to have a blue room.

Well, I should go comb the creepiness out of my hair. I will have to emerge from my cave soon...

The Plague has just landed in my home. Estimated departure: Never.

There are fevers here - the works, and I feel like Will Smith in I Am Legend. I stand alone as the only one not dead, or dying, or whatever...That movie was confusing and weird.

So I finally got my debit situation worked out, and proceeded to spend money. I ordered two pairs of shoes I was dying for! Ah, they are so cute. I am thinking of getting some jeans as well, but we'll see. I want to see my bank statement first.

I grabbed an application for the community college the other night. Eck, it scares me when they ask questions involving the future. Like, "Which of these programs are you looking to study in?" I say, "Oh duh, English Lit." Then I think, "It is English right? Oh crap what if I fail? WHAT IF I ACTUALLY CAN'T SPEAK ENGLISH LET ALONE WRITE IT!" Thus is my meltdown.

Whatever, I am taking it as it comes. Oh I just had a spark of thought in which I realized I need to put more money in savings.


Anyways, I don't have much to report. PLanes keep flying over my house - it's weird, I haven't heard a plane in ages. Huh...

The snow fell today.
Again.
But it won't stay because there is rain coming.
Then it will freeze up tonight.
BLACK ICE.
MUWAHAHA.
Black ice isn't funny though.
It kills.

...

ECONOMICS TODAY!
I shouldn't have put that exclamation point there
cause I don't like economics.
I spit on it all.
Speaking of spit...?
I want to show you my new dress.
It's loverly.
And it will be shown here in the next post.


Okay, story time kids.
The power went out on Sunday.
Of course our alarm clock also died.
So it's been blinking all weekend
and today is? Wednesday.
My sister goes to bed every night and says,
"Oh the clock is still out..let me make sure I have my phone alarm.."
So this has gone on for about 4 days.
Neither one of us has tried to change the clock.

WHY?
Well, I am man enough to admit defeat.
I can't take it.
I will be the bigger person and
fix the clock.
Let me go do this now.

This concludes story time.
What?